i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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