please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
