She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
