one two three fourrrrnication!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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