dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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