we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize