just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
