I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
