trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
