I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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