sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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