Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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