Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
