Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
