My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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