There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
