its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
porn star boner night. come get it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We smell like vodka and hangover
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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