My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
