I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
