He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
