I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
