I accidentally burped into my bong.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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