Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
