I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
