Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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