You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize