So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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