I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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