Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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