You smell like a Billy Joel song
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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