god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
