I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
