Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
