can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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