not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
