And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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