I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
