i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
