just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
