mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
where are you?
Hypothermia
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
