to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
