T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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