That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
