apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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