Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
