im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize