What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
