I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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