what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
