allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
