So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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