did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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