it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I intend to get homeless drunk
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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