Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Non-Jews are for practice
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
