So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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