I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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