guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
