Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am midnight drunk by noon
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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