Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
