This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize