i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
