btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
