i love accidental penises.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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