i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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