Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
