her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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